The beast called ANXIETY

The year is 2020. Covid-19 is spreading quickly through the whole world, and impacting my little town of 15,000. School = closed. Restaurants = closed. Parks = closed. CHURCH = CLOSED.

"STAY HOME.SAVE LIVES."

We are ordered to stay home and only go out when it's absolutely necessary. 

After a few months, the restrictions ease, we are asked to wear masks, but business can start opening at limited capacity... many have closed for good. Many have lost their jobs, including two of my husband's brothers. 

I feel so fortunate to have a larger home than 2 years ago, so my husband is easily able to work from home. HE HAS A JOB. We homeschooled already, so schools closing didn't affect us too much (we totally missed the library and parks, though).

How did it affect me? I made a new friend-ANXIETY.

FEAR. This is a new, unknown disease. 

Constant HYPER-VIGILANCE every time I leave the house. Mask? Check. Hand sanitizer, check. Is that store too busy? Maybe I'll skip. Standing in looonnng lines?? I HATE IT.

WORRYING. Worrying if I should've left the house, or should've gone to visit anyone.  Should I have stayed home from that grocery store? How am I going to survive standing in this long line? Should I wear a mask or not? Is this a high or low risk activity? Does anyone unknowingly have it and is spreading it? Can my kids go see their ONE friend? Has THAT family been careful? Have I been careful enough? Will I accidentally spread it to someone who will get seriously ill? Will I or someone in my family get seriously ill? What about that guy who ended up on a ventilator? 

So I backed WAY off on the news, but everyone still talks about it. Every time you go to the store, you don a mask, hoping that it will help protect others and you will be protected. Every time you visit a friend, you wonder if you should stay outside, wear a mask, or just be okay with them because they're limited in their contact. EVERYTHING. IS. HARDER.

My mom came up to visit and I had my first ever panic attack.

I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, having a hard time breathing, my heart pounding, my pulse racing, shaking uncontrollably, tingling fingers and toes, sweating... all the symptoms. Thinking "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?" I quickly Googled "panic attack symptoms." With practically every single one, at least I knew what was going on now. 

Then worrying about how long this was going to last, if it ends, will it happen again? What the heck caused it? Why now? 

After having one more a few nights later, I called my doctor and got checked out, and checked IN with a therapist. Working with her was very helpful, and being more careful about not overloading myself has been good, too. I am also working on being "OK" when it comes on, knowing that it will pass, and trying to figure out what's triggering it. I also worked out a plan to help me when they come again. And they have.

Months later, I go up and down with my anxiety. I feel more anxious with hormone changes in my body (YAY), but I still battle this demon. I HATE going out anywhere. Every mask I see under someone's nose, or person without a mask (for whatever reasons), I get anxious. Every time I'm in a building with people (like shopping), I struggle. Every dinner get together, every time there's a gathering, even though they're all masked, it is very hard to sit there. But I also need people... I need to feel like something is normal-ish. 

So I go to a girls' night every few weeks with my 2 best friends.

I visit my in-laws (who would rather enjoy their grandkids than live in fear).

I go to the outdoor wedding reception of my cute nephew and his adorable new wife.

I go to church on Sunday, with so many safety protocols I should feel better.

(I even took a trip to Utah to visit friends and family, and LOVED every second of it.) 

BUT, THEN I COME HOME.

The worries come back. I try to remind myself that right now, it's pretty unlikely that I'd be exposed in a way that could pass it on to me, I'm young and pretty healthy, and so is my family. But there are no guarantees. There never have been. I could be in a car wreck while driving to the store. I could have an unknown health condition that takes my life instantly. I could die at the hands of a crazy person. 

Things that help me right now are:

• PRAYER. Trying to give all my fears to God and letting him strengthen me through this trial.
• Seeing this as a new experience that allows me to connect with others, not as a problem I'm having.
• Writing down my fears and thinking, logically, about the "what if." Coming up with the answers.
• Taking care of myself physically and mentally--YOGA has been awesome because it takes care of both. I also am getting outside, taking a walk, connecting with friends, and eating good, nourishing food.
• Playing games. Yep. Good ol' "bored" (haha) games and card games help ease my mind. 
• When the anxiety does start to peak, reminding myself that it's ok. It will be over eventually, and I can ride the wave like a surfer, not like an abandoned board getting slammed with each wave.  
• Alternate-nostril breathing. I know, sounds weird, but seriously, this grounds me EVERY. TIME.

Will I continue this battle? Yes. I don't know for how long, or if it will come and go, or just stay. But I am learning to be patient, to trust God, and to try to use my experience to connect with and build others. 

To those struggling with anxiety, I'm sorry--it's definitely not fun. 

But those that are the strongest are those that have had to wrestle the biggest challenges to get that strength. 

Closing, I'd like to share this quote by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis (a genius of a man!). He was speaking of bombs, but the same applies in any difficult era:

In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. “How are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”

In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors—anesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty.

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.

— “On Living in an Atomic Age” (1948) in Present Concerns: Journalistic Essays

We've got this. Hang on, and ride the wave. 

He Knows Me

All because of a Grocery Outlet store on a rainy night...

A really difficult time in my life was right after returning from an 18-month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Northwest Washington state. I had been serving others for a year and a half, dedicating my life to the Savior, and then my time was up. I came home, was supposed to start "normal life" again, but my best friends had moved away or gotten married. I felt alone. 
I started moving on with my life,  going to college again, attending the religion classes offered nearby, but still felt awkward and unsocial. I struggled having conversations with people. Some days I would just cry alone in my room or in my car. I kept praying to have peace as I moved on in my life to the next phase.
One rainy night, I was really missing Washington, and was driving home from one of my Bible study classes. Sadness and loneliness crept into my thoughts again, and then, I looked up and saw a Grocery Outlet store. There hadn't been any of those (that I knew about) back home, but they had been everywhere in Washington. I knew God was telling me that He was aware of me. He knew my struggles, and he was going to hold my hand and help me through it. It started to get better after that.

I still have hard times, but I look back at moments like that, and I know that God is aware of me. He's going to help me get through it, and I'll come out stronger. He's just waiting until we're ready to reach for Him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQuvqry55II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!! This year we have had some fun adventures, but getting Christmas cards with an insert out was NOT one of them. So here's my online version. :)
Starting with the oldest--Boyce is still working at Google, taking pictures when he has time, rock climbing (mostly indoor), riding his bike here and there and everywhere, and spending plenty of time being a DAD. He loves to wrestle with the kids and they all love Daddy time. He's also the Elder's Quorum President in our ward.
Stephanie continues to homeschool the kids and has become a bit more involved in the local homeschool group. She has had more time to practice and play piano and is teaching piano lessons as well. She bravely took the kids to visit her family this spring (17 hours each way), and they had a blast! She also coached soccer this Fall, and loved that. At church, she lucked out and is still doing her dream calling--teaching Primary kids music (and playing organ for the main meetings). She also is proud to say she survived last winter's snowpocalypse (with a broken toe and no transportation of her own for awhile). Barely survived. hahaha.
Laura has grown up so much this year! She turned 9 and is excelling in gymnastics. She has chosen not to be on the team, though they continue to ask for her. She does it for fun. This year at the end of 3rd grade, she rocked her state testing (local laws require homeschoolers to be tested in 3rd grade)! She's also involved in music, having accompanied our Primary on the piano for our Sacrament Meeting presentation, and she sang a solo in our community Messiah concert. She enjoyed going to Knott's Berry Farm this year and has become a little roller coaster rider!! She's a great helper to her mom, an avid reader, and she and her sister are best buddies.
Adele has grown a lot this year, too. She started learning to play the violin, but has gone back to piano. She plays very well by ear and is able to pick out songs on her own. She has also been working hard in gymnastics this year, but took a break this fall to do soccer. She is definitely an all-around athlete. She loves cooking, reading, being silly and she loves hanging out with her sister. She also loves roller coasters and thrill rides.
Edmund turned 5 this year and has started learning to read. He's still not super confident but does a great job when he has to. He is a whiz at adding and subtracting and counts to 1,000 for fun. He also played soccer this year and was a star!! He is very coordinated and a natural athlete, and scored MANY goals during his games. It probably helps that he's very tall for his age, too. He also got to ride his first roller coaster this year (though he wasn't so sure it was a good choice once he was on the ride).  He enjoys riding his bike all over town, playing with his cars and trains, and he LOVES his little brother. He's a sweet little guy, but growing up fast.
Little Westley is getting so big!  This year he turned 3. He started writing his letters, talking and telling us all about EVERYTHING, and he started picking out songs on the piano all on his own. He's a little musician, and it is super fun to watch. He loves being read to, going on the log ride at Knott's Berry Farm (he talked about it afterward for months until we went again), snuggling with mom, teasing his siblings, riding his little balance bike and NOT going home.

We had a great year--2 trips to California (one with Boyce), a trip to Fort Stevens to go camping, swim lessons (for all 4 kiddos), watching the solar eclipse, visiting Bellingham (where we used to live), and having a great time seeing things around here, too. :) It has been a good year.

God hears me

Sometimes people wonder if God really hears their prayers, especially during struggles and hard times. Why won't He just take the difficult things away? Why isn't He giving me my request?
One such time I had was very soon after I learned my parents, married for 29 years, we're getting a divorce. When they told me, I thought they were joking, but realized I was completely oblivious to any issues they had. I had just turned 18, so I might have noticed more...
I was really struggling, and one particular night my mom was complaining about my dad, and my dad was complaining about my mom. I felt like no matter where I went, there it was: my safe haven, my wonderful reality, shattered. I went to my room, the only private place I could think of where neither parent would bother me for awhile.
I prayed.
I sobbed, pouring out my heart to God, telling Him everything I was feeling. Loneliness. Anger. Disappointment. Worry. Heartbreak.
When I finally finished, my scriptures were sitting on my bed. They opened up to John 14. The first verses I read were 26-27.
"But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father shall send in my name, He will teach you all things and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace give I unto you, not as the world giveth give I unto you; let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
God spoke to me in those verses. He reminded me He had sent the Comforter to give me peace, and that I needn't be afraid. Scared. Angry. Worried. He loved me and I knew it.

That was enough for me, but apparently He wanted to be really sure I knew He was there. Right after that, I went for a run (my stress reliever), and along my way my best friend met me on my trail. She said she felt she needed to go walk that way and find me, but she wasn't sure why.
Twice.
In the same day, during the same cry for help.
This doesn't happen every time, but I can remember when I'm struggling that He has answered me. I can have faith and hold on until He does again, for He is constant.

I'm so thankful for a loving God who knows His children and wants them to be happy.

Feasting on the Word of God

"There's a difference between just reading your scriptures every day; just reading your five minutes to fulfill your...obligation. [Joseph Smith] said it came with feeling and with power and force, and he reflected on it again and again, taking that reflection right into the grove. The power is going to be in the depth of the scriptures. Occasionally, we can just glide through and do something to sustain us for the day, but the real impact is going to come when we reflect and dive down in those feelings." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Facetoface March 2017).

When we really read and FEEL the scriptures, then we are able to build our faith in God and draw closer to Christ. We can't be casual all the time. We have to really dig in and read with our spirits. I LOVE that God will help us know the truth and will give us answers if we truly seek them.

Built on the foundation of apostles and prophets

I love General Conference. Every six months we get to hear from the leaders of our church, those whom we sustain as prophets, seers and revelators. Some people might find it strange to have prophets or think we may not need them in our time, but I think, if they had them in the old times, why not now? We're definitely not more righteous than those back in the Old Testament.
In Ephesians 2:19-20 it says that Christ's church was "built on the foundation of apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ being the chief cornerstone..." and I believe thing were that way. I believe it is today, too.

The Bible also tells us that "By their fruits shall ye know them" and from the things I have seen these modern-day men do, I believe they are true followers of Christ. Thomas S. Monson has dedicated his life, since the age of 36 (I'm almost 35...) to going throughout the world and telling people about Jesus Christ and His mission. It's been 53 years since then, and he's been a busy man traveling the world over, helping people and sharing Christ's love.
Some people call our leaders "out-dated" or "old men," but Gordon B. Hinckley (the prophet before President Monson) said that they are old, but "isn't that wonderful?" They've seen more of the world and its trends and patterns. It seems our culture is all about the new, the exciting, but I also see that we don't really respect our elders as being wise as many other cultures do. We mock them for being "old fashioned" and "out of touch" and we all too often put them in nursing homes and "visit them weekly... or monthly... or just ignore them rather than bringing them into our own homes and making sure they are REALLY getting proper care. Granted, there are situations where they really do need extra attention from medical personnel or the safety provided in a nursing home, in which case nursing homes have their purpose. 
I feel so blessed to know that Christ is guiding these leaders and encouraging us, through them, to follow Him and serve Him. We are to be His hands.
If we're struggling, they counseled us to seek direction from the Lord. Sometimes we don't get answers when we want them, but we should doubt our fears before we doubt our faith.
My favorite piece of wisdom from the prophet was "Choose the harder right, not the easier wrong."

It's easy to choose what everyone else is doing, even if you know it's wrong. But as Christians, we need to defend the right, especially in the last days as Satan gains more power over the earth. Dare to stand alone... for we're never really alone when we stand with our Savior.

Finding Peace

"And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children." Isaiah 54:13

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but, um.... our world of kind of scary. Like wars, random crazy shootings, scary nasty super contagious diseases, financial insecurity, kids thinking they should be able to get handouts because they exist, lack of respect of anything or anyone, and the list goes on. Life is hard. And can be scary. But we can have peace.

As a parent, I can see that my kids are going to have to deal with an even crazier world. I want to send them into that world with as much as I can give them. I wouldn't drop my kids off for a long hike without water, food, shoes, a map or compass, so why would I want to send them into the scary unknown without a way to find peace??
Christ is the giver of peace. Without Him, there is no purpose in life. There is no hope. Only He can give us the light in our dark times. I hope, if there's one thing that truly sticks with my children, it is Faith in Christ. Hope for good things to come. So when things aren't looking so good, they can find peace.