Miracles

 The fact that I am able to type this right now is a miracle. 

*TRIGGER WARNING* I am writing the details of a car accident. 

On June 24, while driving home along Highway 14, my girls and I were in a car wreck. We had stopped for a truck turning left, and right after he had turned, we were rear-ended at pretty much full speed. I heard no brakes and remember looking in the rearview mirror and wondering why someone was swerving around me. They didn't actually swerve around me and we were struck hard. In the confusion of all that, and with airbags deployed, I didn't realize we had been thrown into oncoming traffic until I head the squeal of tires as someone slammed on their brakes. We were hit head on and spun around. 

When the motion had stopped, my brain finally realized what had happened and I saw airbags all around the entire car. They were starting to deflate and I could see there was no traffic coming from either way. I calmly explained to the girls what had happened, asked if they were okay, and then told them we needed to get out of the car because we were sideways in the middle of the road. We were able to open the front doors, but L started freaking out because her door wouldn't open. I told her to just come out with us, and we got out and safely away from getting hit again. That is when the reality of what had just happened hit me. 

To help me process this mentally, I have been counting my blessings; noticing the miracles that happened.

1. We were a bit bumped and bruised, but only had minor injuries. All parties fared the same, thankfully!

2. We had left the boys at home, so nobody was sitting in the back row (which, looking at the third picture, was crunched). 

3. The van did what it was supposed to--it crumpled and saved us from getting crumpled. The airbags worked, the crumple zones worked for us to be okay.

4. I am still not sure how we didn't spin more after the initial hit on the back right side... but we were head on into traffic instead of side impact. The front is meant to take bigger hits than the side, and that's where my girls were sitting, so they would've been a lot more injured. 

5. Physics. Energy transfer. We had just let off the brake and could move forward when rear ended, so the car moved and absorbed some of that energy into forward motion (obviously not all of it, though). In addition, we spun out when hit from the front, so energy was transferred into the spin and not just into crushing the vehicle.

6. My sister-in-law pulled up and was one of the first several vehicles waiting for the accident to get cleared. She was on her motorcycle. She told us a bit later that she had stopped on her way home from hiking by work to look for her calendar/planner, so she was running later than she planned. The amount of time she was running late was pretty close to when we would have gotten in the accident. That meant I would've been thrown into oncoming traffic, which would've been HER on her motorcycle. She was protected by the annoyance of losing her calendar. I am SO glad it was a car that was able to withstand hitting the van, and not HER on her motorcycle. Even though there was nothing I could do, I would have felt terrible. 

7. This one is a bit more "first world"--I never loved my Sienna. In fact, there were a lot of things I DIDN'T like about it. I got a Sienna over an Odyssey when my old Odyssey started getting up there in miles and I wanted a reliable road trip car.  Siennas tend to be more reliable in the long term, but other than that, the Odyssey was better and I missed it. The Sienna was not a comfortable road trip vehicle. Well, it was totaled, so I got to pick a new one. The White Whale (we nicknamed it that because the license plate had HCS-- high seas) was replaced by a pretty blue Odyssey. I DON'T have to check the license plate everywhere because there aren't 16 other just like it in every parking lot (SERIOUSLY. We even used to play a car game where we called White Siennas because we saw them so often. Pretty much EVERY time we drove anywhere we'd see at least one other one). I can adjust the drivers seat to where I need to be for my back. I tried several pillows and padding, but the Sienna never fit me right. The middle row has a great spot for Neptune--no awkward bump with cupholders for the extra seat to pop in. Just a few floor hooks. 

And just a few days ago, I realized that my great grandmother Nana's 125th birthday was the day of the accident. I believe there are people watching over us, and I know it was NOT my time to "graduate" to the next life. In fact, this accident has helped me realize that I have some things to do, and it has made me humble myself and ask WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE. Since I'm still here, I might as well make the best of it!

Farewell, 2020

 Well, this year was anything but what we expected.  A new decade. Even though this year was very hard, I wanted to end it with focusing on what I learned and how I've changed in 2020. 

Things I Learned in 2020 (in no particular order)

1. I am not in control. I didn't realize I like to feel like I have control until this year. I really have learned to tell God "Thy will be done."

2. Life is sometimes hard. I feel like overall, we're ok. But those grueling moments are what shows us how strong we can be with His help. Just like labor pains for a baby bring a beautiful human life into the world, so the pains of hard times give us new life and perspective. 

3. There is beauty all around. We just have to take the time to look for it. 

4. I don't NEED much.  The phrase "home is where the heart is" rings extra true this year. 

The beast called ANXIETY

The year is 2020. Covid-19 is spreading quickly through the whole world, and impacting my little town of 15,000. School = closed. Restaurants = closed. Parks = closed. CHURCH = CLOSED.

"STAY HOME.SAVE LIVES."

We are ordered to stay home and only go out when it's absolutely necessary. 

After a few months, the restrictions ease, we are asked to wear masks, but business can start opening at limited capacity... many have closed for good. Many have lost their jobs, including two of my husband's brothers. 

I feel so fortunate to have a larger home than 2 years ago, so my husband is easily able to work from home. HE HAS A JOB. We homeschooled already, so schools closing didn't affect us too much (we totally missed the library and parks, though).

How did it affect me? I made a new friend-ANXIETY.

FEAR. This is a new, unknown disease. 

Constant HYPER-VIGILANCE every time I leave the house. Mask? Check. Hand sanitizer, check. Is that store too busy? Maybe I'll skip. Standing in looonnng lines?? I HATE IT.

WORRYING. Worrying if I should've left the house, or should've gone to visit anyone.  Should I have stayed home from that grocery store? How am I going to survive standing in this long line? Should I wear a mask or not? Is this a high or low risk activity? Does anyone unknowingly have it and is spreading it? Can my kids go see their ONE friend? Has THAT family been careful? Have I been careful enough? Will I accidentally spread it to someone who will get seriously ill? Will I or someone in my family get seriously ill? What about that guy who ended up on a ventilator? 

So I backed WAY off on the news, but everyone still talks about it. Every time you go to the store, you don a mask, hoping that it will help protect others and you will be protected. Every time you visit a friend, you wonder if you should stay outside, wear a mask, or just be okay with them because they're limited in their contact. EVERYTHING. IS. HARDER.

My mom came up to visit and I had my first ever panic attack.

I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, having a hard time breathing, my heart pounding, my pulse racing, shaking uncontrollably, tingling fingers and toes, sweating... all the symptoms. Thinking "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?" I quickly Googled "panic attack symptoms." With practically every single one, at least I knew what was going on now. 

Then worrying about how long this was going to last, if it ends, will it happen again? What the heck caused it? Why now? 

After having one more a few nights later, I called my doctor and got checked out, and checked IN with a therapist. Working with her was very helpful, and being more careful about not overloading myself has been good, too. I am also working on being "OK" when it comes on, knowing that it will pass, and trying to figure out what's triggering it. I also worked out a plan to help me when they come again. And they have.

Months later, I go up and down with my anxiety. I feel more anxious with hormone changes in my body (YAY), but I still battle this demon. I HATE going out anywhere. Every mask I see under someone's nose, or person without a mask (for whatever reasons), I get anxious. Every time I'm in a building with people (like shopping), I struggle. Every dinner get together, every time there's a gathering, even though they're all masked, it is very hard to sit there. But I also need people... I need to feel like something is normal-ish. 

So I go to a girls' night every few weeks with my 2 best friends.

I visit my in-laws (who would rather enjoy their grandkids than live in fear).

I go to the outdoor wedding reception of my cute nephew and his adorable new wife.

I go to church on Sunday, with so many safety protocols I should feel better.

(I even took a trip to Utah to visit friends and family, and LOVED every second of it.) 

BUT, THEN I COME HOME.

The worries come back. I try to remind myself that right now, it's pretty unlikely that I'd be exposed in a way that could pass it on to me, I'm young and pretty healthy, and so is my family. But there are no guarantees. There never have been. I could be in a car wreck while driving to the store. I could have an unknown health condition that takes my life instantly. I could die at the hands of a crazy person. 

Things that help me right now are:

• PRAYER. Trying to give all my fears to God and letting him strengthen me through this trial.
• Seeing this as a new experience that allows me to connect with others, not as a problem I'm having.
• Writing down my fears and thinking, logically, about the "what if." Coming up with the answers.
• Taking care of myself physically and mentally--YOGA has been awesome because it takes care of both. I also am getting outside, taking a walk, connecting with friends, and eating good, nourishing food.
• Playing games. Yep. Good ol' "bored" (haha) games and card games help ease my mind. 
• When the anxiety does start to peak, reminding myself that it's ok. It will be over eventually, and I can ride the wave like a surfer, not like an abandoned board getting slammed with each wave.  
• Alternate-nostril breathing. I know, sounds weird, but seriously, this grounds me EVERY. TIME.

Will I continue this battle? Yes. I don't know for how long, or if it will come and go, or just stay. But I am learning to be patient, to trust God, and to try to use my experience to connect with and build others. 

To those struggling with anxiety, I'm sorry--it's definitely not fun. 

But those that are the strongest are those that have had to wrestle the biggest challenges to get that strength. 

Closing, I'd like to share this quote by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis (a genius of a man!). He was speaking of bombs, but the same applies in any difficult era:

In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. “How are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”

In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors—anesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty.

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.

— “On Living in an Atomic Age” (1948) in Present Concerns: Journalistic Essays

We've got this. Hang on, and ride the wave. 

He Knows Me

All because of a Grocery Outlet store on a rainy night...

A really difficult time in my life was right after returning from an 18-month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Northwest Washington state. I had been serving others for a year and a half, dedicating my life to the Savior, and then my time was up. I came home, was supposed to start "normal life" again, but my best friends had moved away or gotten married. I felt alone. 
I started moving on with my life,  going to college again, attending the religion classes offered nearby, but still felt awkward and unsocial. I struggled having conversations with people. Some days I would just cry alone in my room or in my car. I kept praying to have peace as I moved on in my life to the next phase.
One rainy night, I was really missing Washington, and was driving home from one of my Bible study classes. Sadness and loneliness crept into my thoughts again, and then, I looked up and saw a Grocery Outlet store. There hadn't been any of those (that I knew about) back home, but they had been everywhere in Washington. I knew God was telling me that He was aware of me. He knew my struggles, and he was going to hold my hand and help me through it. It started to get better after that.

I still have hard times, but I look back at moments like that, and I know that God is aware of me. He's going to help me get through it, and I'll come out stronger. He's just waiting until we're ready to reach for Him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQuvqry55II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!! This year we have had some fun adventures, but getting Christmas cards with an insert out was NOT one of them. So here's my online version. :)
Starting with the oldest--Boyce is still working at Google, taking pictures when he has time, rock climbing (mostly indoor), riding his bike here and there and everywhere, and spending plenty of time being a DAD. He loves to wrestle with the kids and they all love Daddy time. He's also the Elder's Quorum President in our ward.
Stephanie continues to homeschool the kids and has become a bit more involved in the local homeschool group. She has had more time to practice and play piano and is teaching piano lessons as well. She bravely took the kids to visit her family this spring (17 hours each way), and they had a blast! She also coached soccer this Fall, and loved that. At church, she lucked out and is still doing her dream calling--teaching Primary kids music (and playing organ for the main meetings). She also is proud to say she survived last winter's snowpocalypse (with a broken toe and no transportation of her own for awhile). Barely survived. hahaha.
Laura has grown up so much this year! She turned 9 and is excelling in gymnastics. She has chosen not to be on the team, though they continue to ask for her. She does it for fun. This year at the end of 3rd grade, she rocked her state testing (local laws require homeschoolers to be tested in 3rd grade)! She's also involved in music, having accompanied our Primary on the piano for our Sacrament Meeting presentation, and she sang a solo in our community Messiah concert. She enjoyed going to Knott's Berry Farm this year and has become a little roller coaster rider!! She's a great helper to her mom, an avid reader, and she and her sister are best buddies.
Adele has grown a lot this year, too. She started learning to play the violin, but has gone back to piano. She plays very well by ear and is able to pick out songs on her own. She has also been working hard in gymnastics this year, but took a break this fall to do soccer. She is definitely an all-around athlete. She loves cooking, reading, being silly and she loves hanging out with her sister. She also loves roller coasters and thrill rides.
Edmund turned 5 this year and has started learning to read. He's still not super confident but does a great job when he has to. He is a whiz at adding and subtracting and counts to 1,000 for fun. He also played soccer this year and was a star!! He is very coordinated and a natural athlete, and scored MANY goals during his games. It probably helps that he's very tall for his age, too. He also got to ride his first roller coaster this year (though he wasn't so sure it was a good choice once he was on the ride).  He enjoys riding his bike all over town, playing with his cars and trains, and he LOVES his little brother. He's a sweet little guy, but growing up fast.
Little Westley is getting so big!  This year he turned 3. He started writing his letters, talking and telling us all about EVERYTHING, and he started picking out songs on the piano all on his own. He's a little musician, and it is super fun to watch. He loves being read to, going on the log ride at Knott's Berry Farm (he talked about it afterward for months until we went again), snuggling with mom, teasing his siblings, riding his little balance bike and NOT going home.

We had a great year--2 trips to California (one with Boyce), a trip to Fort Stevens to go camping, swim lessons (for all 4 kiddos), watching the solar eclipse, visiting Bellingham (where we used to live), and having a great time seeing things around here, too. :) It has been a good year.

God hears me

Sometimes people wonder if God really hears their prayers, especially during struggles and hard times. Why won't He just take the difficult things away? Why isn't He giving me my request?
One such time I had was very soon after I learned my parents, married for 29 years, we're getting a divorce. When they told me, I thought they were joking, but realized I was completely oblivious to any issues they had. I had just turned 18, so I might have noticed more...
I was really struggling, and one particular night my mom was complaining about my dad, and my dad was complaining about my mom. I felt like no matter where I went, there it was: my safe haven, my wonderful reality, shattered. I went to my room, the only private place I could think of where neither parent would bother me for awhile.
I prayed.
I sobbed, pouring out my heart to God, telling Him everything I was feeling. Loneliness. Anger. Disappointment. Worry. Heartbreak.
When I finally finished, my scriptures were sitting on my bed. They opened up to John 14. The first verses I read were 26-27.
"But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father shall send in my name, He will teach you all things and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace give I unto you, not as the world giveth give I unto you; let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
God spoke to me in those verses. He reminded me He had sent the Comforter to give me peace, and that I needn't be afraid. Scared. Angry. Worried. He loved me and I knew it.

That was enough for me, but apparently He wanted to be really sure I knew He was there. Right after that, I went for a run (my stress reliever), and along my way my best friend met me on my trail. She said she felt she needed to go walk that way and find me, but she wasn't sure why.
Twice.
In the same day, during the same cry for help.
This doesn't happen every time, but I can remember when I'm struggling that He has answered me. I can have faith and hold on until He does again, for He is constant.

I'm so thankful for a loving God who knows His children and wants them to be happy.

Feasting on the Word of God

"There's a difference between just reading your scriptures every day; just reading your five minutes to fulfill your...obligation. [Joseph Smith] said it came with feeling and with power and force, and he reflected on it again and again, taking that reflection right into the grove. The power is going to be in the depth of the scriptures. Occasionally, we can just glide through and do something to sustain us for the day, but the real impact is going to come when we reflect and dive down in those feelings." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Facetoface March 2017).

When we really read and FEEL the scriptures, then we are able to build our faith in God and draw closer to Christ. We can't be casual all the time. We have to really dig in and read with our spirits. I LOVE that God will help us know the truth and will give us answers if we truly seek them.